Dark Horse
by d0ntlookbackin4nger
Summary: (A/N) This is a follow up to my previous story 'Trouble' So enjoy... "It's the year 2001 and three years since Finn's disappearance. Rae's thinner and a lot more headstrong, but still that loud and barmy character - except this time she's not afraid to step on any toes. The question is, is she strong enough to face Finn's return...?"
1. Chapter 1

_It's a sad thing, a break up. But it isn't the break up that hurts the most; it's the follow up. The missing piece that you spend the follow up jamming pieces in to find the right one... But you never do. It's the waking up and not knowing what to do or where to place yourself in the world that breaks your heart. It's the person who you used to see galaxies in their eyes and now all you can see is a frizzled out star. You just don't know what to do... Because not knowing what to do or how to feel is the worst pain of all._

Black is all could Rae see... Black pants, black pants and dresses and a black cloud that hung heavily above the grieving mass of people. But throughout that black wave of people she could still scope him out, that brown eyed stranger. She had noticed his hair had grew longer and his jawline deeper; but his eyes were worn and swimming in deep thought - as if he had seen thousands of things and more.

Rae hadn't seen him for three years, six months, four days and twelve hours... Not that she had been counting. Of course she hadn't. She had other things to distract her and to take up her time. But how could he have the nerve to turn up? How could he just think that this was ok? So much had been and gone in his absence;

Birthdays...

Little Sophia learning how to walk and speak, _she's now almost three..._

Breaks ups, make ups...

Parties...

Each part of them growing and blossoming the more time grew. He wasn't that person they knew. And they weren't the people he had left behind. They'd all give up trying to invent new ways to keep contact - even if it was just to see how he was finding life - He was just always too busy. Always. Which would explain the surprise upon his old and familiar faces when he had actually showed.

Rae felt a hand squeeze her shoulder in which she pulled away her stare away from his bowed head, luckily for her he didn't look up, and her eyes latched onto a solemn Chloe; who lowly and gently spoke, "C'mon, we're going back the pub for the wake", Rae gave a nod before returning her gaze back to him, her side grew cold as Chloe left her be and caught up with everybody else. She burned her eyes into the side of his head, but he didn't flinch. He didn't flinch when everybody had left. He didn't flinch when it began to rain. He didn't flinch when she approached him. And he didn't flinch when she asked;

"Why did you come back, Finn?" There was a long pause and he didn't move. Finn reminded her of one of those paintings she once stared at in a gallery she went to with school, she thought that the longer she stared then the power of her stare would force it to move. But it never worked and it strangely made her feel not special, _bet Chloe could just blink and it'd jump through the other paintings for her_ she used to bitterly think.

There was final movement from him, it might have only been a shrug but it was something. But she needed more from him. She needed answers to her thousands of questions.

 _Why didn't you say goodbye?_

 _Didn't I matter?_

 _Wasn't I good enough for you?_

 _We all needed you, why did you go?_

 _I needed you, Finn, I needed you._

So many things she had to say. So many things she had to ask. So many that she didn't know where to start. He finally looked at her, "I needed to come home."

Before she could say anything else, he simply got up and left; hands in his suit pants and his head bowed.

Once again.

"Lovely service, wasn't it?" Rae overheard from a table behind her. She hated when people would say that at funerals, it wasn't a wedding or a Christening - fair enough it was polite but she still didn't like it. She always wondered why people would to say it; to pass time? To make up small talk? She didn't know. She just knew she hated it.

Of course it was a funeral that the gang would be reunited at for the first time in over a year. It wasn't that they had fallen out, it was just they were all too busy; just like him. Chloe was at her final year in Manchester UNI. Archie worked for The Daily Mail paper, all the way down in London. Johnny was always too busy planning for his wedding with Brogan and Izzy was a full time stay-at-home mum. Rae... Well, Rae hadn't been up to much; but she had dropped four stone, threw some colour into her wardrobe and was therapy and self-harm free and her finger was officially off the self destruct button but she was still Rae; that band top wearing, Stone Roses listening Rae.

Al had been living somewhere down in Southampton for the past two years and didn't bother showing up today.

The gang were all sat round their old table; glasses in hand and small talk passed between them. Until -

"He's here." Archie mumbled before they all turned towards the door, as did the whole pub; before everybody quickly pretended to be distracted but their eyes lingered on him for longer than he liked. He made his way to the bar in a flourish with his head down before asking for a half and half before swiping his drink and quickly scarpering back out into the beer gardens. 

Nobody had seen Finn for the following four days, nobody knew why he was back and nobody knew what to say to him. Finn was like a ghost, floating through the town unseen. Truth be told Finn was scared, scared of what his friends would say. He was scared of the questioning, and scared to hear the truth. He had been living in some fantasy world for the past three years and now he couldn't find a way out. He had seen some sights in New York, had a breakdown, had a breakthrough - you name it and Finn had been living it. But now he had nothing left in him, a shell of his former self. He was a lot thinner from what people remember, rumours were spoke that he had been in rehab and that's why he had been MIA. He wish it was a drug problem. He wish it was that easy. He wish his reason for disappearing was that exciting.

But sadly, Finn was just a coward and he ran. He ran and he ran and he ran until he hit a brick wall and returned home; and stayed under the radar. So he thought, until Archie showed up at the door. Finn was reluctant but he just simply stepped aside and let Archie pass through.

The two sat in a living room Archie was unfamiliar with, turns out Finn had found himself a nice little flat above one of the shops in the high street. Two bedroomed, nice and open living room that connected to the kitchen, nice-sized bathroom, etc. Finn was doing good for himself considering he had not long came back. It made Archie wonder if Finn had really been back for as long as Finn had said, he looked awfully settled in for someone who had only been back four days.

"Nice place."

"Yeh, it's alright. Needs fixing up a bit but once am settled in better am gonna do it up."

Silence. Archie curled his fingers tighter round his mug of coffee before giving it a blow and having a sip. Archie looked around the room, taking everything in before he felt an internal happiness as he noticed Finn's infamous record and CD collection all unpacked and neatly lined up upon a shelf but what he did notice was the unpacked record player and unpacked stereo.

"I have yet to set that up... Just haven't had the time," Finn awkwardly and lowly mumbled the last part as he began to build a rollie. "'ere are I'll do it for y', won't take two minutes," Archie rose to his feet and Finn's breathing became uneasy.

"Arch, don't!" Archie gave Finn a confused frown as to why his offer was being refused, Finn began to fidget, "Just know what you're like, dead clumsy and that," Finn let out a measly laugh as he realised his pathetic attempt of a joke and excuse wasn't working.

"Still pining for her then," Archie quipped as he sat back down his seat, "Dunno what you're on about," Finn spat back as he finished his little task, not once did his stare leave that thin paper. Which was enough for Archie to see right through him.

There was a long silence between the two, in that time of silence Finn lit his toxins and sunk back into his seat, "How is she anyway?" Archie grinned, "She's not seeing anyone if that's what you mean," Finn scoffed and rolled his eyes, "I weren't sayin' tha', I mean... I mean she just looked good, and just wanted to know, tha's all," "Yeah, she should look good; she's lost four stone!" Archie giggled, Finn raised an eyebrow but didn't look amused, "Really?" "Yeah, she's lost so much weight! She looks brilliant, I mean there was nowt wrong with her before; don't get me wrong but now she just looks so much happier," Finn frowned, he didn't like the idea of Rae changing anything about herself. He liked her just the way she was, but he had to remind himself that she wasn't his anymore - his opinion about how she now looked was now completely irrelevant.

He then moved on and asked, "Does she still hate me?" Archie nodded, "Yeah,"

And all Finn could do was sigh;

The two then found themselves in another silence, the tv doing the talking for them.

Ten minutes passed... Then fifteen...

Once Finn finished his rolled up cigarette; he began picking at his nails. Archie felt a sudden sadness as he could hear Finn's voice crack as he spoke, trying to speak with as much courage he could, "Arch, tell 'er am sorry for me yeh,"

Courage, to Archie, was underrated. 

Rae felt oddly empty, even in the middle of the crowded back garden at a party Chloe was hosting. Is This Love played throughout the speakers she had helped Chloe set up earlier. Rae watched as people danced and drank, little Sophia sat on her knee and clapped along to the beat; her mother's fiery red curls bounced in delight.

Sophia may have had Izzy's hair, but she had Chop's everything else - eyes, nose, even the same dopey and infectious smile.

Rae tossed a smile towards people who would throw one her way but she couldn't keep her mind focused. The song was like a little theif of joy for Rae, a little child; getting louder and louder - wanting her attention. All could she think about was his smile. The old posters and records. The stares.

She just didn't get it. Why did he do this. Why did he leave so many people behind. Why did he leave such an empty place within them all. As Rae looked around, glancing at Chloe... Then Izzy... Johnny... Brogan... And finally Archie - who had not long turned up - He had left all these people so broken hearted, his absence breaking off more pieces that Chop had already smashed a major part of.

What hurt Rae the most was that she gave her all. Was there through thick and thin. She stuck with him through the lot, no matter what. Then one day, he just gave up on her and just ran. Disappeared, living up to his nickname "The Ghost." He didn't even fight for her. The one thing she never would've done, he did with no hesitation.

She just wanted to know why.

" _One day, whether you_  
 _are 14,_  
 _28_  
 _or 65_

 _you will stumble upon_

 _someone who will start_

 _a fire in you that cannot die._

 _However, the saddest,_

 _most awful truth_

 _you will ever come to find––_

 _is they are not always_

 _with whom we spend our lives."_


	2. Chapter 2

Rae smoothed out the creases in her dress before smiling at her reflection, like actually smiling. It was the first time in so long she had finally felt so... Together. No sadness. No bad thoughts. No urges. Just pure peace and serenity.

And that's all Rae could wish for. Today, she was taking Sophia out with Izzy to The Rutlands park and possibly meet the others down the pub - everybody were on a mini summer break for the weekend and they were not planning on spending that time apart.

Despite Rae had nothing to take a break from; she wasn't going to waste a minute away from them - which is why she quickly grabbed her things and left the house. As she walked through The Rutlands field and pathway, Rae soaked it all in. Sun poured through leaves which her pale skin bathed in and it's warm rays beat unmericfully down on blades of freshly cut grass. Kids run ragged, the smell of sun screen, freshly cut grass and just summer as a whole wrapped its arms around Rae and for the first time in her life; she didn't have a fear of somebody making a snide comment. She didn't have a fear of running to the nearest friend's house in shame, just so she didn't have to stay outside.

Rae could finally just be and if that feeling was only going to last for that day then Rae was more than happy with that.

Finn picked up the first t-shirt from the floor he could see, not caring about the dried sweat stains or the smell. He walked into his bathroom, first thing on his mind was to splash his face with water; the coldness taking his breath away. He leaned against the sink, his finger tips gripping it ever so slightly; his shoulders and chest rose as he let out a sigh. He watched as the water from the tap as it would swirl around... and around... and around...

He switched the tap off and swiftly left the bathroom, not bothering to dry his face. He had no energy. He was tired and bored. Bored and tired. He did consider going on a walk, even his dark curtains couldn't block out that sunshine that begged to be invited into his living room. He just couldn't face anybody. He just felt like ever since the funeral and his return to Stamford he could feel himself sinking into this depressed, agoraphobic state - the grief making him not want to face anybody. Not face those soft stares and head-tilts, followed by the 'How are you...?' He always received when he did actually leave the house.

 _Well my dad's just died, how the fuck do you think I feel?_ Finn always wanted to snap back.

But he didn't, he couldn't be rude or impolite. It just wasn't in him... Well sometimes.

The more Finn sat on the edge of his bed, with his elbows rested on his knees and his mind drowning in thought; the more he could feel himself suffocating. So, he got up and decided to shower, change and get out for the day.

"Rae... Rae!" Rae asked, dazed, "Wha'?" Izzy giggled, speaking as she fed Sophia "I said, what you looking at?" The girls were sat on one of the old and frail benches that overlooked the large field. Everything was so alive.

"Nothing," She flashed a grin. Rae hadn't realized she had zoned out, she just couldn't help but stare out into the horizon before her. She never had noticed how green the field was before and she had never noticed the large tree that resembled broccoli that stood out like a sore thumb now that she had actually noticed it. How could she have never noticed it before? Any of it?

A year or so ago if you would've asked Rae what colour did she see; it would be grey. But ask her now and she would tell you the most vibrant of colours. Even when a bruised coloured cloud swallowed the sun. Izzy rose off the bench, gently lifting Sophia off her knee and placing her ever so softly on the floor beside her. Rae sat still. "You not comin'?" Rae slowly pulled her gaze from the field and onto Izzy, with a small smile she said, "I'll catch up with you."

Izzy wasn't too pleased about leaving Rae but could see she needed some time, so, they exchanged their goodbyes and the two fiery girls left the raven haired beauty be.

The field grew more empty as the clouds above grew more heavy and dark; and suddenly Rae was alone. But she didn't mind.

What she did mind is when he thought it'd be completely ok to come take a seat beside her. What she did mind is that if she held out her left arm then she could touch him. And what she did mind was that she still cared for him.

Love, it's the sweetest form of torture. It is something you can never lie to. You can tell yourself over and over that they mean jackshit to you - but eventually you give in to it. You try to kid yourself; telling yourself you don't care and it's always so easy when they're so far away... But when you see them, you can't help but crumble, give in; just all for a simple touch. A simple touch that would you make you so fucking happy and you hate yourself for it. You can never understand how we all bleed the same yet you put somebody on such a pedestal that you fall and hurt yourself on the way down...

"What do you want, Finn?"

All he could do was shrug, "Nowt, just came on a walk and saw you and wanted some company," She scowled, "Yeah, well you came to the wrong bench," He sighed, fidgeting in his seat before imitating her and looking out onto the field before him.

"You've lost weight,"

With that comment, Rae suddenly feeling like her sixteen year old, insecure self. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her sudden tough demeanor vanishing, "Yeah, and?" "Nowt, you just look nice."

There was a long pause before Finn grew uncomfortable and impatient, he snapped, "Look, Rae, we've gotta talk sometime,"

"We are talking,"

He rolled his eyes and gave her look, but she did not once look at him; she just lowered her gaze to ground and bit back;

"No we don't."

"Yes, we do. You and I both know we do... Why can't we just be adults about this?"

She scoffed, "Since you were a fucking coward who fucked off to America for absolutely no reason and you... You broke my heart," He then let out a small but tiresome sigh, chewing the inside of his cheek before he turned to her; trying to show he wasn't there to fight - he was there to explain, "Look, Rae, you know am shite with words but I just-" "Am a lying dickhead?" Rae interrupted, still not looking at him as the sarcasm dripped from her words; like venom.

He held his breath for a moment before it came out, like word vomit, "I know I took you for granted, Rae, I _was_ a lying dickhead but fuck me, Rae... You're the love of my fucking life and I couldn't imagine my life without you, I want you, Rae... I can't..." He trailed off for a moment, looking out into the field before to the floor and then back onto her, "I can't do it without you,"

He waited for, what seemed like, forever before she looked at him; taking him aback with her glazed but hardening stare. But through that fire in her eyes; he could still see that glint. That glimmer of love and care. The shine that he used to stare into and only feel happiness and comfort. She hissed through gritted teeth, "Don't you fucking dare," "Rae, I-" "No. Don't you dare, Finn, don't pull that bullshit with me. I can't... Not after so long, three years is a long time and I'm a different person and I don't feel that way about you anymore," It was his turn to scoff;

"Bullshit,"

"What? How's that bullshit?"

He shrugged, again, "So, if I said to you now look me in the eyes and say you don't love me then you would?" She chewed her cheek, letting out a bitter laugh, "Fuck you," "No, fuck _you,_ Rae. You always do this to me, all you ever have done. Made me feel like shit for trying to-" "I'm sorry, made you feel like shit? Made _YOU_ feel like shit!? That's just typical you, never the problem and always the victim," She rose to her feet, "I can't do this me. You know what, Finn, I'll always love you but I just can't be near you right now," She then went to storm off when she stopped, turned and called out, "Finn,"

As soon as his eyes met hers, she simply seethed, "Go fuck yourself."

Not letting him get another word in, she turned on her heels and left.

" _If you find someone you love life_  
 _you must hang onto it, and look_  
 _after it, and if you are lucky_  
 _enough to find someone who_  
 _loves you then you must_  
 _protect it."_  
 _\- Princess Diana._


	3. Chapter 3

"Diary...

 _He doesn't like to cuddle. He likes to grip my hips and pull the fibers of pink tissue in shreds from my lip with his teeth. He throws his hands in the air like a messiah and leans his head out the open window. easy. breathe. codeine. breeze. We laugh loudly and kiss loudly and moan loudly. He mouths vulgar things that make me giggle in front of our friends. I run my hand along the seam off his tight black jeans beneath the table top. He rolls his eyes and smirks at me. We take every opportunity to touch, to feel, so secretly. So public. Exhibitionist pleasure. We play like children, tousling my hair and I climb on his back. We roll spliff after spliff and talk rapidly and vigorously and trip over each others sentences like a sidewalk crack. He says "us" like it means "amen" and his eyes burn wild with a fire of passion. We get drunk. Off of wine and skin and things we love. His smile erupts across his face like it could shatter his cheekbones. His eyes glimmer like a lake catching the glare of the moonlight. A glint of silver is growing up the side of his hairline. He thinks it makes him look distinguished. I laugh and agree. He loves to be so much older than me. He thinks it makes him wise. We spend a lot of time in my bedroom, the door shut. (We spend a lot of time outside of my room with our mouths shut.) He thinks the Xanax makes the sex last longer and I don't argue. I always wake up first. I sit at the desk and work quietly and glance at him in the sheets. Vulnerable and quiet. Soft face. Soft sounds. A warm cup of coffee and marmalade light through the windows. We tease, oh we tease. He likes clean socks and messy hair and he runs his fingers down my overall straps with a tiger's grin. He writes his name in the fog on the mirror from where he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pressed my face against the glass. He loves soul music. We sing confidently and triumphantly. I tap my fingers like spiders legs across his bare chest and undo his buttons one by one. I toss my head back and laugh maniacally and pout my lips when he won't be fair. He speaks like a pastor and trips over his words, his tongue struggles to meet his brain. That's how a prodigy thinks. (Or it's the drugs). He knows when my words are about him and he lets it all go to his head and I don't care because I love to watch him love himself. We laugh and fuck and play and write and plot and say goodbye and never worry. He is my occasional constant. A parody of himself. A paradox of ever present and transparent. I don't care what he is. I just care THAT he is."_

Chloe read the diary entry over and over, soaking up the words and absorbing them in. It was a passage from six months into her and Finn's sneaking around, God she missed him. She missed the feel of his skin and the taste of her name being moaned into her lips. She missed the smell of his clothes. She missed everything, right down to the dust of freckles across the bridge of his nose. The one thing she didn't miss; was the vulnerability she allowed herself to show. She didn't miss how each day she spent with him, the more the bricks around her began to chip and be taken away - allowing her to be so open and naked to him.

She knew what she did to him with Al was wrong, she regrets it every waking moment. It's all she can think about. She could wish as much as she wanted - to the point of screaming frustration - but it was done. But that still doesn't excuse for what he did to her.

Rae.

It was always about Rae...

"Diary...

 _Maybe Rae didn't mean it, but what if she was right? What if I didn't deserve some like Finn? What if I didn't deserve someone good? Rae's a beautiful person, not bitchy and broken like me."_

As her fingers danced around the corner of the paper, ready to turn over to the next page; she sat back against her bed. She finally let herself mentally enter that night. She could still feel it... The cold and crisp air... She could still see it... The twinkling fairy lights... That bench outside the pub where she sat as they stumbled past, the old and worn beer mat between her fingers. She still had half of that beer mat, taped to the left hand side of the book. Why wasn't she good enough?

She dabbed the corners of her eyes with the sleeve of Finn's jumper. She had hid that jumper from him, a pathetic attempt of trying to get him to stay as he loved that jumper - but it didn't work. So she kept it as a keepsake. She closed her book, keeping a finger inside so she wouldn't lose her place and she glanced around the room. She was sat upon her bedroom floor, back against the wooden frame and floral bed cover. Her old memory box scattered across the carpet, she had dropped it as she was trying to reach something from the top shelve of her wardrobe and out fell the box. It was more of an old shoe box, a rather small shoe box. It was bent out of place and misshaped funnily. The lid wouldn't even fit properly anymore.

But despite doing what she did to him, Rae had always come first. Long before. And what hurt her the most was that Rae was the one Finn wanted to speak to and it was Rae that Finn had returned for.

Chloe's love and heart was given to Finn on a silver platter;

And Finn spat his dummy out as he didn't want the silver... He wanted gold.

"You were red and you liked me 'cause I was blue

You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky

And you decided purple just wasn't for you." - Halsey.

Rae felt that the more she would pace, the more chance the phone would ring - as if the static from the carpet would send an electric brain wave to Finn and force him to call her, "Rae, you're gonna put an 'ole in the floor in a minute if you keep faffing round like that!" Rae stopped and let out a sigh of defeat and apology, "Sorry, mum," She sat down on the couch, her mum sat opposite with baby Boushtat bouncing on her knee, "Look, Rae, why don't you just ring him? That way you've got what you want and you won't mess up my bloody carpet anymore," Rae scoffed and rolled her eyes, but her mum was right.

She did want to call him. And she did want him to answer.

She just _couldn't._

Well, she thought she couldn't until she had a rush of confidence and marched herself over to the phone and began to dial.

 _"Hello?"_

Rae stood for a moment before she hung up, quickly scurrying up to the bathroom; ignoring the worried shouts from her mother. She ran so fast into the bathroom; as if her life depended on it. She still can't believe it wasn't Finn that answered but _a girl_ and it wasn't just any girl;

It was an American girl.

"Who was that?" Finn asked, eyebrows raised at her. She shrugged, "No one was there, must've missed them or something," Her laid-back Californian tone like sweet music to Finn's ears - he'd always had a thing for an accent.

 _Her name was Alex. All legs and teeth, she was beautiful. She was tall and slender, full chest and more curve than a ski-slope. Brown hair with hints of golden and a beautiful personality to match. Finn had never met anybody quite like this kind girl, a beautiful soul and a beautiful mind. They had met a bar one night, at a staff's night out, and Finn couldn't help but wonder what it'd feel like to touch her sun-kissed skin. He still cringes at the first words he spoke to her, well if you could even class them as words. More like rumblings and awkward Finn behavior. Alex couldn't help but smile and invite him back to her place. An awkwardly cute British boy and you had her at hello._


	4. Chapter 4 - Let me go

"I can't believe we're doing this," Archie breathed out. "Yeh well we are," Rae bit back. Rae had to agree with him though. She couldn't believe she had worked up the nerve to ask Archie to drive her round to Finn's new place and here they sat. For the past half an hour. It had been three days since she had called Finn's and three days of hearing that cowbag of an American's voice replaying over and over in her head. Three days of relentless over-thinking. So much over-thinking;

Was that his girlfriend?

Had he really moved on?

When had he moved on?

"Stop thinking about it," Rae looked at Archie, registering what he had said before scoffing, "Am not," There was a long pause before Rae asked, dreading the answer, "How long's he been seeing her for?" "Dunno, a year. Maybe two, just know he's head over heels," Not the answer Rae wanted but knew she was going to hear. Of course. Rae asked what was she like, and of course, she was beautiful and clever and funny and thin and everything Rae hated but wanted to be. Little did Rae know that she was beautiful and clever and funny and had a lovely figure, she wasn't as thin as Alex but she had a much better figure - like an hourglass.

"You don't need to do this, Rae, you know he's moved on," "But we don't know that, Arch, that's why am here. I want him to say it. I need to hear him say it," Rae expressed. Archie couldn't believe it, so she was still waiting for him. She didn't hate him... She was still waiting for him. "Rae, please listen to me. He. Has. Moved. On, I know it's hard to hear bu-" "No, it isn't. Because it isn't true, I know he still loves me. I know he does and if he doesn't then I need to hear it," "Well then hear it from me because he's moved and trust me when I say this Finn doesn't do love. Never has done and never will, it just isn't in him," All Rae could do was scoff.

But deep down, deep, deep down - she knew that Archie was right. But there must've been something just extra special that Rae held over him. There must've been and this Alex was obviously just a rebound right? Right?!

"Shit!" As soon as Rae and Archie caught a glimpse of that tousled brown hair; she let out a yelp of surprise and the two ducked for cover. Almost touching noses, Archie let out a huff of impatience, "Rae, this is getting ridiculous now," "Don't know what you're talking about," "Rae, you are currently sat outside your ex's or whatever the fuck he is's flat and crouching in a car; avoiding him. You know what, it's not ridiculous it's just down right creepy."

Before Rae could even reply there was a faint but noticeable knock on the passenger window.

Fuck.

Archie and Rae looked up to see the bright and beaming smile of Izzy, both letting out relieved sigh; they sat up. Before Rae could fully roll down the window, Izzy breathed an "Hiya!" "Iz, what are you doing here?" Izzy shrugged, "Just thought I'd go for a walk, enjoy the sunshine just seen Finn and some girl walking towards the park," Rae noted there was no little monkey clung round Izzy's neck and asked, avoiding the conversation, "Where's the little'un?" "Me mam's having her for the night, so, pub?"

And, as any pub would be on a hot summer's day; it was heaving. People were spilling out into the beer garden; hibernating underneath the large umbrella's that covered each wooden table. Although there wasn't a kid's play area, the little ones still made best with what they had; running a mock in sweaty and ice cream covered clothing. Ah, Summer.

Archie, Chloe, Rae and Izzy couldn't handle the ruthless beams of the sun and stuck to their trusty table inside. There was no Brogan or Johnny in sight, and of course Finn and that lap dog of his weren't invited. Well they weren't in Rae's mind. Right up until he strolled right in, and there was that heavy feeling; weighing Rae's chest down. Especially seeing her, closely behind him; their hands intertwined as they wove in-n-out the crowd - a smile between the two. Everything so - "Perfect," "What did you say, Rae?" Chloe quizzed. Not realizing she had spoken out loud, Rae stuttered out an answer, "N-n-nothing, I were just saying what a perfect day it is," She flashed a false but strong enough smile.

As Finn and Alex approached the table; Rae rose to her feet and the other three watched - holding their breath. "Where you going, Rae?" Rae slowly pried her glued gaze from Finn's and onto the inquisitive Archie's, "Urm just going outside for some fresh air," He gave her a warning look in which she shrugged off and quickly scarpered. Finn went to follow when Alex pulled him back, her grip tightening, "Where you goin', honey?" Finn flashed her smile and gave her a gentle kiss, "Be back in a minute."

As Rae stepped outside; the warm air hit her - like a wall. She felt as if she was walking out onto foreign grounds; not fucking Stamford. She moved forward into the car park before turning to be greeted by an intrusive Finn. She put her hands behind her head "I don't even know why I bothered coming here or what fucking brain cell was damaged into thinking that this was going to be ok I mean..." She lowered her arms, realization settling in, "We are never going to be ok, are we? We're Rae and Finn, Finn and Rae. We always have been and I just think that this, whatever this is, isn't healthy. For either of us, Finn, it's like we're purposely torturing each other and you know what I feel like I could fucking kill you but then if I did... I'd miss you too much," Her last words spoken more softly, her voice cracking - like frail paint.

Instead of regret shimmering in his eyes, he just simply... Smirked? "You look really pretty when you're angry," No holding back, Rae smacked him across the cheek. Finn stayed still for a moment before slowly looking at her, his eyes darkening as his words followed, "Hit me again," All she could do was frown. This wasn't Finn.

This wasn't Finn.

 **This wasn't Finn.**

He stepped forward and continued to push, "C'mon, Rae, hit me," The more he pressed, the more her anger continued to rise. Over and over he would growl through gritted teeth, "Hit me" Before she shouted, "Just stop it! Alright?! Just stop head fucking me, Finn, ok?! You can't do this anymore to me, I am tired. I am tired both mentally and physically... I waited for you. For two years, Finn, for so long I waited. A-a-nd two years is a really long time and I know I've said it before but it really is. I mean what do you want from me?! Why do you keep doing this to me?!" He took a deep breath, completely defeated, "Because I just want you to hear me out, let me explain but not here," She folded her arms and shook her head, standing her ground, "No, Finn, I'm not taking this bullshit anymore. Do you understand me?!" She then softened, "So, please... Just let me go, Finn, please," Her bottom lip quivered in await of his response and as she tried to keep it together.

Silence fell over them, like a heavy and dark cloak. Taking his silence as an answer, she then swiftly turned and went to walk away when he spoke softly but loud enough for her to hear, playing with his sleeves; his demeanor so child-like, "Please don't leave me, Rae, don't do this to me... I'm lonely."

Rae shouted over her shoulder, with her middle finger in the air, "Not my problem."


	5. Chapter 5

"Rae... Rae... It's twelve, are you going to get up?" No answer. No movement. And with that, Linda let Rae be. For four days Rae had been like this. 96 hours. 96 hours may not have seem a lot to another person, but they weren't as heartbroken as her. Rae had never felt like this when she would pinch, burn and cut. She had never bled so much pain, even the first time round experiencing Finn Nelson both sexually and romantically. This was a different heartbreak, this a heartbreak of what could've been. The heartbreak of knowing she could've had him, yet she let him slip between her fingers; like sand.

From outside her bedroom door she could hear hushed tones of her mum and Chloe, which went along the lines of, "Don't do it, Chloe... She needs time..." With some inaudible pieces of conversation before Rae's bedroom door swung open and in barged Chloe, who demanded, "Get up," Before heading straight for the window, flinging the curtains open; the blinding light of the outside world made Rae wince before cowering under her covers.

"Get up, Rae."

"No."

The covers were flung away from Rae and she felt naked before Chloe. Exposed. She attempted to quickly pull the covers back over but Chloe was quick to react and threw them on the floor. Rae hated Chloe, for just that one moment she really fucking hated her. "Please don't make me, Chloe," "Rae, get the fuck up. Four days is long enough and am not having some dickhead make you like this. Not anymore." All Rae could do was frown before look away. Tears brimmed her eyes and she sniffed,

"Dunno what you're on about."

"You know exactly what am on about, now, you're gonna get up. Slap on some lipstick and get your shit together, alright? Cause this world needs Rae Earl and I need my best friend back. Am gonna go and make a brew and by the time am back; I want you up and in that bathroom. Understand?"

Feeling like it was the first time her skin had felt water; Rae stood there for a while - only moving to wash her hair - other than that she just stood there. Not thinking. Not crying. She just stood there and let the water wash over her, it felt like the first time she could breathe properly. The first time in a while she had felt alive.

Once all finished and dry, wrapped up in her wool and rainbow dressing gown; she left the bathroom and entered her room to find Chloe sat in the swivel chair - knees to chest and fingers curled around a black mug.

Rae took place on her bed and began to towel dry her hair before she paused and huffed, "Stop starin'," Chloe's eyes darted to the mug in her hands and she mumbled a "Am not," The girls had a stare out before a giggle, "How come you're not in uni?" Chloe shrugged and sighed, "Finished my exams early and came straight home," Her answer didn't match her body language. The 'Bullshit-O-Meter' Flashed in Rae's mind, but she chose to ignore it.

"You look nice," Chloe gave a shy smile before pulling a silly face, "Oh piss off," Rae giggled, "You do!" Before Chloe could roll her eyes; the doorbell went. There was a long and heavy silence before Linda called out, "Finn!" Followed by loud footsteps - two at a time - and, once again, Rae's door flew open to reveal a panting Finn; followed by a flustered Linda, "Jesus! What is this, piss Rae off day?!"

"Sorry, Rae! I did tell him not to!"

"Mum it-"

"Sorry, Rae, but I had to speak to you somehow,"

"Honestly, it's-"

"Rae, you alright? Look now what you've done, Finn!" Chimed Chloe.

"Guys! It's fine!" Rae cleared her throat as the three snapped shut and looked at her, "Leave him alone, it's ok," Three shades of shock tinted all but Rae's cheeks. She was letting him stay, _she was letting him stay._

"Chloe, mum, can you give us some privacy please?" And with that, Chloe and Linda were gone. Too in shock to say anything.

Rae turned to Finn and scoffed, "Well sit down," And he did so. But instead of babbling like a nervous Finn would and instead of his eyes landing everywhere apart from on Rae; his eyes burned into her. He didn't flinch, not until she asked, "So, what did you wanna speak about then?" A small but warm smile came first, followed by, "To be honest, didn't think I was gonna get this far. Had this big speech planned and it's gone," Rae raised an eyebrow with amusement shining through. Finn continued, "I came to basically wave the white flag. I want us to try and get back to how we were, I mean! Not the all... You know... And yeah, I just want us to be mates again. Well, we don't _have_ to be mates we can just be civil and I-"

"Finn?"

"Yeah?"

"Get to the point."

Finn nodded, "Right, yeah, ok. To sum it up I want us to be friends again. I mean we don't have to, like I said, and just be civil," And suddenly, Finn became his bag-of-nerves self again - and looked at everywhere _but_ Rae. She let him sweat for a bit before huffing, "I suppose, if we must," She playfully spoke before he sharply looked at her; almost giving himself whiplash, "Really?! Like, you not fucking about or owt?" Rae rolled her eyes, anymore of that and they'd be rolling out her sockets, "Don't be soft, now piss off before I change my mind."

All Finn could do was stand and embrace her, arms open wide and that stupid and sappy grin on his face. She stood and accepted the embrace with as much love and warmth she could give. As they pulled away he gave her that _stupid fucking grin_ once more before leaving. Rae flopped back onto her bed and felt like she was a teenager with a silly crush all over again. But with the happiness; came the sadness. There was so many things she could've said like _I love you_ or _I miss you_ but the conversation happened so quickly that those words were stuck behind a door - trying to follow Finn out. Although they had, had the dramatics recently - it was about time the happiness came. And Rae was quite relieved if she were being honest; but what she'd give to have that home she called Finn back in her arms again.

Home to Rae wasn't where her bed was or where she grew up. Home was where her heart was, and it was in the arms of a brown eyed boy who was too clumsy to take care of it properly.

"Finn, what are you playing at?" Finn rolled his eyes and turned to see Chloe, who had followed him out of Rae's and down to the end of the driveway, "What, Chloe!" He snapped with a curl of his lip. "Don't w _hat_ me, dickhead. You know fully well what, you've just come here - not being nice - but to secure a back up plan in case it falls through with Alex, which we all know will,"

"Fuck you, Chloe."

"Fuck you right back, God! You're such a wanker!"

"Says you, Chlo," "Says me? What's that supposed to mean?" Finn glowered before snapping, "Let's be honest, you're not concerned; you're just fucked off at the fact that I've come back for Rae and not you," Chloe scoffed, pushing her tongue against her bottom lip before biting back; venom dripping from her acid tone, "Get over yourself, Finn, and whilst you're there stay away from Rae; she doesn't need you anymore. None of us done, so, do us all a favour and fuck off. And take your gobshite of a girlfriend with you," Finn smirked and looked her up and down before walking slowly towards her. Their faces inches from each others, "Why? You gonna make me?" He threatened.

Chloe grimaced, "What are you? Rocky Balboa?" She then pressed a finger into his chest harshly, "Rae is my best mate, Finn, she hasn't the spent the last two and half years getting over you to be getting back under you. I can make you gone with a click of my fucking fingers, so, do yourself a favour and go. Like I said, she doesn't need you anymore," "Wouldn't say that too soon, Chlo, love can do strange things to a person," They shared a small moment and in that brief moment; Chloe could see it. That glint. In the shine of his eyes and that burning moment; she could see the old Finn shining through. He quickly turned and got to his car before he heard behind him;

"You didn't even say sorry, you were back for six months and you didn't say sorry. It isn't love that does strange things to a person, it's the unfinished business. That's what sends you mad," Those last words spoken through a pained tone and gritted teeth. He turned and even from the small distance he saw the shine of tears, as he went to speak she interrupted, "Leave it, Finn, but just do me a favour yeah? Leave her alone," And with that, she turned and headed on inside.

As she shut the door behind her she leaned against it and exhaled the biggest breath she had ever released.

Little did she know; Finn was sat in his car seat doing the exact same thing. It wasn't that the two still had feelings; in fact they did feel something - but it was far from love. There was still that sexual tension and there was still a small percentage that they both felt an aching for each other. They missed the intimacy and the feel of each other's skin. But what they didn't feel was love - just a burning hatred and yet the strongest sexual connection. It was the fact they had spent so long learning each other's bodies that within this time apart; they had forgotten it all. Did Chloe still like neck kisses? Did Finn still like his back being scratched? Some times memories were best left as memories.


	6. Chapter 6

His eyes were the rarest shade of brown she had ever seen. Ever since meeting him; she had never seen the same colour since. Then again, she'd never met a person like him. His patience was a blessing and his kindness was a gift hand picked by the gentle giant above. If Rae had to count every individual freckle on him, she'd be there for hours - and that'd be just on the bridge of his nose.

Rae wished she could get back all the time they had lost together, Finn was her crutch and now they had rekindled somewhat of a friendship; that limp of ache was beginning to worsen. Her ache for _him_ was beginning to worsen. The good thing was they could sit in the pub together and laugh and joke and smile. But it wasn't like it was, it wasn't like how it used to be. They had to be careful. They had boundaries, Rae often thought what was the point if they had to be so careful all the time. Rae didn't do careful, not with Finn. They couldn't playfully nudge each other. They couldn't write words on each other's clothed skin. It was like two acquaintances hanging together in the same social circle, not two people who had loved, lost and studied every inch of the other's naked soul.

He had a new girl. Rae often wondered if he cuddled Alex like he cuddled her. Rae wondered whether he would watch Alex's sun kissed strands of hair slip through his fingertips; just like he did with her's. She just wondered whether they could stay normal. Rae just couldn't understand how two people who had spent a majority of their lifetime together, learning everything, could be just friends.

She would test the limits tonight. There was a big rave to be held on some farm miles away from home and of course the gang were out in force - even Johnny and Brogan had pulled themselves away from all things white to come out and play. Rae didn't realized they still held raves, wasn't it mainly just a 90's thing? Even though the 90's were only two years ago, it still felt a bit out dated. She wasn't complaining though, all she wanted was a tablet, a drink and to let her hair down.

Surprisingly, Izzy made an appearance tonight. She missed the previous three years of raves as she hadn't felt right going places like this without Chop. But tonight she had finally plucked up the courage, asked her mum to baby sit and now here she was in the back of Finn's car - whistle round her neck and all things neon. Rae in the passenger's seat. Archie and Chloe sat on either side of Izzy and it felt all too familiar; there was just that piece missing. They all felt it. They all had that toothy grin in the back of their mind and it hurt like hell for them all. As they threw on some old school dance music and all popped a tablet (All bar Finn.) They felt a magic simmer over them as the sun began to set. They had all shit going on, but tonight... Tonight was going to be different. As Rae put out her hand and let the cool air dance along her bare skin, she felt a sudden calmness. Even the glow of the setting sun was different.

 _"Spaceman, I always wanted you to go into space, man."_

Rae sharply turned and looked at him, and there he was with that same old smile she had ached so long for to see. He was the old Finn, just in that moment - they were sixteen again.

They pulled up onto a large field that seemed to never end, just an endless sea of green. They met up with Johnny, Brogan and some others as they all climbed out their cars. They couldn't hear a thing and all frowned at each other, all bar Finn who beamed, "What?! Can't ya hear it?" They all looked at him, confused, enough of this shit. Finn dived on Johnny's back and shouted, "Since all you deaf bastards can't hear a thing, follow me and I shall take you to the sound of the farmer's ground!" In which Johnny began to charge forward, the others followed behind, laughing - Rae and Izzy stuck to the back.

Izzy's quietness didn't go unnoticed by Rae, who intertwined their arms as one and asked, "Are you sure you're ready for this? I mean I can always borrow Finn's car and take us home? I don't mind." Izzy sighed darkly, it wasn't that she didn't appreciate her friend's effort - it just was time she sucked it up. It was time to have some fun. "It's been three years, Rae. Three years of relentless crying, constant heartbreak and hardly leaving the house. It's time to get out and just be happy, for once. I mean, it doesn't mean I'll forget about it. I just want the pain to ease, for just this one night. But I know that no matter how much I drink tonight or how many tablets I take, the pain will still be there in the morning. I've learnt that you can drink too much and forget the night, but you can never drink enough to forget the ones we've loved and lost. And you should remember the same, Rae," Rae frowned at her, "What you on about?" Izzy just gave her a soft smile, "Forget it," The two then fell to a silence, as Rae watched the people before them lead the way, Rae then noticed there was a tall American missing, "Where's Alex?" Izzy shrugged, "She's meeting us here, well that's what Finn said anyway. Dunno where 'here' Is though," This caused Rae to quiz, "Why didn't Finn just get her to drive up with us?"

"You are seriously blind, Rae Earl."

The love heart tablet soon embedded itself into the ravers brain's and soon everything was a swirl of bright colours and love. Feel good music and sweat... A lot of sweat. Rae and Finn were throwing some messy dance moves in the mass of bodies. Now, as everybody knew Rae and Finn weren't into "Mainstream" They always had an exception for dance music. There was nothing better than partying till their legs ached and their heart's raced. Even Archie, Mr "I'm-too-good-to-throw-my-hands-in-the-air" Was having the time of his life and could throw some shapes when he wanted. Archie came up behind Rae and threw his arms around her, "I fucking love you guys!" All Rae and Finn could do was smile. Finn too drunk and Rae drugged to the max - having dropped another three tablets as soon as she walked into the old farmer's barn.

As Rae and Archie shared an embrace, Finn slipped away to find his own girlfriend to have a little drunken cuddle with. As Rae turned, she pouted, "Where's Finn gone?" All Archie could do was shrug, before the pair began to move again.

The more Rae danced, the more she felt alive. Everything felt good, she felt as if she were floating.

And that's when things started to go wrong, she felt as if at any moment her legs were going to lift off the ground and she wouldn't be able to float back down. Her chest grew tight and she couldn't breathe, she felt trapped. As she tried to exit the vastly growing crowd, people kept on getting in the way – pushing her back to where she started. But they no longer looked like people, just swirls of colours.

She eventually pushed through the crowd, she then bumped into Johnny – who was just as fucked as her. He lazily grinned and slurred in her ear, "Maaate! Where've you been?" He didn't look like Johnny as his face was all warped, doubled and febrile - like a Francis Bacon painting. She then shook her head, pushed past him and eventually made it outside.

The cool air rapidly sobered her up and snapped her out of her warped state of mind. She then felt a wave of motion sickness. Grabbing onto the wall, she keeled over and chundered all over the grassy floor beneath her. As she wiped the sick from the corners of her mouth, she heard arguing. A man and a woman. She recognized the man's voice to be Finn - she could recognize that voice faster than her own name - and that whiny American accent. Not that Rae had anything against the American accent, it was just this particular one went through her.

"I can't! Rae's my mate, I can't believe you'd even ask me to do it!"

"I don't care, Finn! You've got a new life, with me."

She stumbled slightly before getting herself together and followed the voices, she peeped around the corner to see Finn being bollocked by the long-legged beauty. Every time he tried to fight back, Alex would just raised her voice even louder. She then scoffed, pushed past him and past Rae. Rae watched as Finn stood, took a deep breath and turned; jumping slightly – not expecting her to be there.

She came out fully from behind the wall and asked, "You alright?" She was expecting a harsh reply but instead he nodded and softly said, "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine", He went to walk past her when she pulled him back, "You sure?" He harshly yanked his arm away, and towered over her as he hissed at her, "Look, I said I'm fine alright!?" He then pushed past her and made his way back inside.

She shook her head. Her mind began to spin as million questions ran through her mind. Why were they arguing? Was it because Finn picked Rae to ride in the car with him and not Alex? What had she asked Finn to do? The thoughts made her head hurt and spin, spin so much she had to rest against the side of the barn. She then slid down the wall and onto the grass with a sloppy thud, she stretched her legs out before her as she closed her eyes and bathed in the cool air. Maybe she could just rest her eyes for one minute...


End file.
